Forget About New Year Resolutions!

There is nothing less life changing than a New Year Resolution. What may seem like an ideal time for change is an exceptionally bad choice. Most of us break our resolutions a few days, if not a few hours into the New Year. The problem is not only in our timing but in the resolutions themselves. We think we know what we want but…

Among the most common resolutions, getting fit or loosing weight is near the top of the list. Just under that is quitting some vice like smoking or drinking. And bringing up the rear is getting out of debt. What worse time of year could a person choose to attempt any of these goals? One party comes after another. Cookies, cakes and candy are everywhere. Drinking and smoking seem to go so well together, many of us cannot do one without the other. And, on average, holiday shopping adds between $900 and $1,500 worth of credit card debt to our financial woes.

It is no wonder that most resolutions are kaput as soon as the ball falls in Time Square. No sooner do we finish with that New Year kiss, we begin rationalizing a better time to start our resolutions. Tomorrow, that’s it, I’ll start tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes or if it does, it brings new excuses with it. Resolutions tend to be more life damaging than life changing. Many of us begin our new year with more failure and guilt than we do with purpose and good intention. So stop the madness.

Aristotle said, “Happiness is the meaning and purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” In other words, we want to be happy. When we choose our resolutions, we do so because we think that achieving those goals, whatever they may be, will bring happiness with them. It is the happiness we want.

Do not bother with resolutions until you know what you are doing. No one thing or condition can make us happy or unhappy. You have heard the adage that money won’t buy happiness. The opposite is equally true. The lack of money won’t buy unhappiness. Evidence of this fundamental truth is all around us. Embrace it.

So, before we start listing the things we want to change about our lives, we should spend a little time thinking about happiness--not about what we think will make us happy but about when we are aware of being happy.

If, as Aristotle asserted, we are truly looking for happiness, we should look for it where it already exists, not where we think it should be. Happiness is not trying to elude us as if we were playing a cosmic game of hide and seek. It is right there. Ask yourself these questions: When do I feel the greatest joy, satisfaction or the sense of accomplishment? When am I filled with warmth, love and kindness? When am I most confident and proud of myself? The answers to these questions will tell you more about yourself and your true happiness than success at any New Year Resolution.

I am not suggesting we content ourselves with our lot in life. We all have aspects of our lives which could use a little work but far too often, we work on the wrong things. We are driven by advertisers who suggest we will be happier if we were thinner, better looking, younger, sexier, more successful or more powerful. Why do we persist in believing that such things will make us happy when there is so much evidence to the contrary?

Perhaps this is why so many people are obsessed with Hollywood gossip. We somehow feel a perverted sense of satisfaction when people, whom we think of as having everything, fail to be happy. For heaven’s sake, look at Oprah--a wonderful person, loving, interested in the well-being of others, extremely successful, the epitome of Hollywood power. Let her gain a few pounds and we pounce on her like a pride of hungry lions. We thirst after the reason why that woman is not living in absolute bliss!

When we recognize our real happiness, we more clearly see the things in life that we have allowed to act as barriers to our prolonged and pervasive contentment. We may, for example, realize that we are happy when dancing and we might think that losing a bit of weight will help us spend more time on the dance floor. More often is the case that more time on the dance floor results in our losing weight! You see, the real barrier is not the weight but the reasons we give ourselves for not dancing.

Eliminating the barriers to happiness will not make us happy. Like New Year Resolutions, that is a loser’s game. When we focus our attention on the things that get in the way of our happiness, we spend too much time thinking about being unhappy. Life is too short to waste time on such things.

We can all find happiness in our lives, even if that happiness has been obscured to the point of being a mere glimmer. We often allow so many of our obligations and difficulties to get in our way that we almost entirely divorce ourselves from happiness. If you are going to make any resolution at all, let it be for you to find that glimmer of happiness in your life and give yourself the freedom to nurture it and let it grow.

Joseph Onesta is a speaker, trainer and consultant. His company, Integrity HPI: Human Performance Improvement partners with organizations to develop and "employer of choice" work environment.

A Little Quiet Time to Feed Your Soul

(I found this picture on the Internet of someone else having quiet time. I couldn't find a link to ask permission so, if the photo is your's and you don't want it here, contact me and I'll be happy to remove it.)

Sometimes life just seems to fly by as if the world were picking up speed and about to spin off its axis. Days, weeks, even months and years seem to disappear and we wonder how time passed so quickly with so little memory to show for it.

For years now we have been hearing self-help gurus and spiritual teachers tell us that we need to get present, experience the moment as it happens and break the cycle of dragging our past into our speculation of the future without taking much notice of the present moment. Though repackaged from time to time, the message is a very old one dating back at least to biblical times—even Jesus of Nazareth recommended it. It always gets our attention. It always seems revolutionary. It always promises to change our lives, yet, so few of us ever really get it.

When I was in college, I was involved in a campus group of Christians who taught me a very useful and very powerful technique for experiencing the present moment. It is called Quiet Time. While my own practice of Quiet Time has a Christian focus, the technique can be suitably applied to any faith and will even work in the absence of one.

Quiet Time is, in its simplest form, just that—a time to be quiet. The practice is done every day and can also be used whenever life seems to be getting loud and noisy with commitments, obligations, requirements, stresses, worries or what-have-you. Consider the recommended 15 to 30 minutes dedicated to Quiet Time, a top priority in your day.

During Quiet Time you clear your mind of everything that demands your immediate attention. Morning may well be the best time for many of us because the day and its worries have not yet taken hold. During Quiet Time, do not allow the impending day to encroach on your moment. Be focused on not letting your mind race with tasks or project of the day.

You do not have to be still during Quiet Time. You can walk your dog, jog or sip coffee on the deck. Just keep your mind free of reliving past events or rehearsing future ones. When those thoughts arise, just push them back as if to say, “It is not time for you yet.”

Eckhart Toll in his work, “The Power of Now” shared an amazing technique that will help you recognize what clearing your mind actually feels like. Stop, ask yourself the question, “What will my next thought be?” The flash of a second between finishing the question and knowing the answer is what a clear mind experiencing the present moment feels like.

Maintaining a clear state of mind for much longer than a split second is nearly impossible for most of us. If your mind cannot be clear, it is better to fill it with something that takes you out of the complications of daily life.

Music is alright if you are in control of it. Do not use a radio or television because of the talk and interruptions. Such things will only distract you. Some people read sacred or devotional texts during this time. (Christians often read the Bible.) Others might pray or do some meditative activity such as yoga or even doing the dishes which takes no real thought or concentration.

When you are as clear as you are going to get at the moment, look at your life from an objective point of view. This might mean trying to see yourself as a character in a book or play. Imagine you are watching yourself. When you do this, you are able to rise above the clouds in your life. You get a very different perspective from practicing this technique. You see the context of your life. Best of all, if you can actually just imagine watching yourself doing whatever you are doing at the moment, you will be utterly present in that moment.

Now try to reconnect with the things that give your life meaning and purpose. These are the things that fill you with contentment when you think about them.

I have a mission statement for my life and while it has changed and developed over the years, reconnecting with that mission and considering my experiences in terms of it has helped me focus my efforts, understand my life and adjust my reactions and behaviors. What is it that gives you a sense of purpose?

As you end your time, decide on an affirmative action you can take that day to reaffirm your mission or purpose and accomplish it that day.

Quiet Time is like an anchor for your soul in the sea of your life. Daily practice will keep life and its confusion in perspective and will keep stress at bay. You will stay on track and your days will no longer sink in a bog of events and obligations. You will begin to experience your life as it happens rather than attempting to relive it through memories.

Joseph Onesta is a Speaker, Trainer and Consultant. His company, IntegrityHPI ~ Human Performance Improvement, is dedicated to making our experience of work better for both companies and individuals. To learn more about his work or to invite him to speak at your event, please visit, www.integrityhpi.com

Get Off the Work-Life Balance Seesaw

Originally written for corporate execs, this entry is still quite good for our purposes. It is followed by some tips you can use to make your own work environment a happier, healthier place to be.

The term work-life balance implies that work and life are on opposite sides of a seesaw or scale and one must be weighed against the other. But employees cannot shed one and take up the other on respective sides of the time clock. We bring our lives to work and we take work home.

Many of our corporate leaders are of the Baby-Boomer generation. They have sacrificed nearly every aspect of their personal lives for the sake of their careers. For them, work-life balance naturally means more emphasis on the life side of the seesaw and our efforts to date have focused on facilitating the life side of the see saw.

There has been a lot of work done on the multi-generational work place. All of it points to the fact that the seesaw illustration of Work-Life Balance does not have the impact that employers hope because while it makes sense to the decision making baby-boomers, it may apply to the rest. At best, many work-life balance initiatives are temporary quick fixes of situations that present themselves in such a way that the costs associated with ignoring them are prohibitive.

Once we accepted the need to accommodate very complicated life situations, we made great inroads. Programs like flexible schedules, job sharing and telecommuting have proven themselves with positive ROI. These are now the givens, not the innovations.

Balanced life initiatives should be made for the purpose of making our companies employers of choice, attracting and engaging top talent for the long term. Achieving such a goal requires more than quick fixes, it demands a shift in the way we construct our work cultures. We must address the needs and perceptions of everyone in the organization. We need to make the workplace fulfilling enough to encourage Baby-Boomers to postpone retirement long enough to pass on what they know. We need to assuage inherent distrust and resulting lack of commitment of Generation X since they are next in line for the helm. We also need to create work environments that nurture the Millennial Generation so that they stay with us long enough to become effective day-after-tomorrow leaders

Savvy leaders are no longer looking at ways of getting people out of the office but we are looking at ways of making the office the place everyone wants to be. Work-life balance is now about balanced lives and the role organizations play in the lives of their associates. Companies are now realizing that in order to better insure their longevity and success, the human organizations that comprise them must become inclusive communities of engagement and commitment. And that means reworking our understanding of our corporate cultures.

So the essential myth about work-life balance that we must dispel is the perception that work and life are two opposing forces on a seesaw. There is no seesaw. There is no distinction between work and life. One does not counterbalance the other. The time clock is not a magic portal between two realities. Both sides are one reality for the person punching the clock. If we expect our companies to survive and thrive, we need to acknowledge and develop the kind of corporate culture that attracts and retains talented and skilled people, who form a cohesive and committed community with a common purpose, a community of engagement.

1. Be nice: The fact is that nice people are better liked and better liked people have it easier than those who make it difficult to like them.

2. Be positive: Negativity attracts negativity. Start complaining and you'll find plenty of company. Fortunately, the same holds true to being positive.

3. Avoid the gossip. Don't spread rumors. Don't join in on complaining about coworkers or your boss or working conditions or even the selection in the vending machines. Gossip breads discontent in the environment and in you as well.

4. Avoid gossipers. They might have a juicy tidbit to share with you but what are they saying about you to others?

5. Offer to help. If something isn't getting done properly or on time, offering to help accomplishes two things. The first is that it makes others aware that you are waiting in a way that is not offensive. The second is that you just might get what you need a little sooner. If needing to help becomes a constant, discuss it with your supervisor under the guise of your coworker being overworked.

6. Do what you can to make it easier for those whose work follows yours in the process chain. If you can save someone time or effort by alphabetizing something or resorting the data for their use or making a small extra effort to make the next step just a little easier, (even if you don't really like the person who benefits) the whole work environment can improve.

7. Please and Thank You are magic words. Use them often and mean them when you do.

Joseph Onesta is a speaker and consultant. His company, Integrity HPI, works with organizations making the work experience better for people and companies.

Paper Cuts, Hangnails & Cracker Crumbs in Bed

You've heard the old adage, "A stitch in time saves nine." The traditional interpretation is that if you do something right the first time, you will not have to do it again. It can also mean if something needs doing, the longer you wait to do it, the harder it becomes to do.

It may surprise you to know that when it comes to balancing our lives, little things can make a big difference. We are talking about really tiny things that are easy to do but get set aside for later--things like making the bed, doing the dishes, picking up the dry-cleaning or washing the car.

They nag at us like a paper cut, hangnail or cracker crumbs in bed; persistent until they simply cannot be ignored. No matter how logically inconsequential these little things may be, they are emotionally significant. They drain us when we think about them. We argue over them. Try to and get the kids to do them. And sometimes pay exorbitant prices to have someone else do them.

Sure, in some cases, we are talking about pure laziness. We can recriminate ourselves and make ourselves even more unhappy or we can face up to the fact that in balancing our lives, we have to juggle a lot of things and once in a while, some things just do not get done. The fact that the same things end up at the bottom of the list often enough to become recognizable indicates that we actually do something about them.

Identify them. Everyone can identify what those little things are. When I ask, they usually mention one or two. What are yours? Once you identify them and label them as something you would like to see change in your life, their priority on the to-do list changes. No longer are we just looking that thing that needs to be done but we are looking to do something about that thing. We are altering a condition, not doing a chore. Because the task is different, the priority is different.

In my life, one of the small irritating things that seemed to get out of hand was the dishes. If I am not careful, they still have the potential to pile up. No matter how much I complained, stomped my feet or pleaded for family cooperation, dirty glasses, cups, dishes and cutlery ended up in the sink. Sometimes I would be so busy that they would pile up for days and there would not be a clean cup or glass in the house.

Accept responsibility. Whatever it is, you are the one that is bothered by it, so the problem is yours. It is no good blaming other people. Byron Katie said, "Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience.” Never has there been a truer statement. We realize that we may not be able to do much about the situation but we are completely capable of controlling the way we experience it as long as we accept responsibility for that experience.

No one else in my family seems upset by the dirty dishes. Not, at least, until they are hunting for a clean glass. In our home, the household chores are pretty fairly divvied up. The dishes are in my patch, so short of restructuring the whole household; the solution has to be mine.

Find compromise in resolution. The reason these conditions are so frustrating is because they are not the way you want them to be. They may never be exactly the way you want them to be. Maybe the ideal is not possible and finding a livable compromise is the key to balance. If it cannot be perfect, it can be acceptable. What does acceptable look like?

In the ideal world, everyone in my family would wash, dry and put away every dish, glass or bit of cutlery they ever used. Short of perfection, what can I live with? I have to accept the fact that there will probably never be a day without dirty dishes in the sink.

Establish a new habit. Good habits are wonderful things. Habits have a magical way of becoming almost effortless. It takes a little discipline and, according to experts, three weeks to establish a new habit. Design a habit that will remedy the situation to the level of acceptability and just do it.

When I determined to do something about my frustration over the dishes, I decided that I would not go to bed with dishes in the sink. Waking up to that mess would just set my whole day off kilter. At the end of the day, I may be tired but rarely am I too tired to fill and run the dishwasher and wipe down the sink and countertops. Throughout the day, I move things to the dishwasher if I see them and have time. Tolerating dishes in the sink until the end of the day was my compromise. Since I am the first up, while the coffee is brewing, I unload the dishwasher and prepare for the day. My frustration over dirty dishes is virtually gone.

A sink of dirty dishes may seem like a small or even silly thing to be upset about. By identifying, compromising and making the effort to change ourselves in small ways, we can eliminate the little things that pile up and become obstacles to a balanced life. Those little things that really seem to get under our skin are life’s opportunity to learn how to manage when we are confronted by much bigger obstacles.

Joseph Onesta is a speaker, trainer and consultant with Integrity HPI.