How to Wrestle with A Pessimist

Some folks have it rough. Nothing ever goes right for them. The weather is always bad. Food ordered at a restaurant is always unacceptable. Anyone with good news is warned, usually with a chuckle, about all the things that could go wrong from here on out. It would seem that the universe conspires to make these people suffer and they seem to think it is their duty to let us know how terrible things really are.

The remarkable thing is that these perpetual pessimists seem almost to revel in their own despair. Complaining gives them a way of connecting to people; as if commiseration is the only way they know how to be companionable. No matter how much they laugh and joke about how bad things are, do any of us really believe that they can be happy seeing the world as they do?

The insidious power of pessimists is the proverbial grain of truth to be found in what they say. In a general sense, the things they say are true. The weather could be better most of the time and rarely does one get a perfect meal at a restaurant but if you are seeing the glass as half empty, how can you enjoy drinking the rest?

It is one thing to acknowledge that things could be better but it is another entirely to believe that they never will. Pessimists have the potential to leave you feeling like a herd of elephants has just trampled your soul. Their complaining and whining about how bad things are and how much worse they can get will sap you of all your strength.

Most of us are more optimistic than the perpetual pessimist. We can see potential for good as well as bad. Our biggest mistake is trying to help pessimists be happier by spending time with them. Pessimism, like gravity, has a gentle but persistent force. You can only fight for so long. Spend enough time with a pessimist and eventually, you will come around to their way of thinking.

Imagine you are sitting in the lunch room at work and a coworker is tossing a coin. He begins to draw the attention of others proclaiming he has a very unusual coin. Every time he tosses it, it comes out tails. You and others begin to gather around to watch. He has now tossed the coin some 15 times and every time it has been tails. People begin commenting, even taking bets. The tosses are now near 25 and they have come out tails every time. What are the chances that the next time he tosses the coin, it will be tails?

Some people would expect it to be tails again. Others would say it can’t possibly be tails again. From the get go, there has always been a 50% chance the toss will go either way and those chances have not changed. Yet our perception has. In either case, we see the pattern as significant when it is not.

As the pessimist continues to point out how things constantly go wrong, you begin to see the pattern too. Then it becomes like looking at the classical optical illusion. Once you see the two faces, it takes a conscious effort to see the vase.

Take notice that the pessimist is almost never to blame for what goes wrong. It might be fate, bad luck, the way the world is or simply someone else. Because they rarely take responsibility for their own experiences, they are trapped. They see themselves as victims not perpetrators. There is no way out. Misdiagnose the cause and you also misdiagnose the cure.

Many of us make the mistake of trying to cheer up a pessimist. Don’t bother! The remedy for pessimism will never come from someone else. It cannot be purchased, delivered or gifted. The cure for pessimism must rise within. It takes a conscious decision to discount the pattern. That is difficult to do.

For your own sake, try to spend as little time with pessimists as possible. Sometimes you don’t have a choice. Sometimes you discover that the pessimist in the room is you! Choose to ignore the negative pattern; try to establish a positive one. Don’t proclaim that the weather is too hot. Rather be thankful for the air-conditioning. Don’t complain about the rain, point out how your garden needs the water or anticipate the lovely fresh scent in the air after a good rain.

If the cure for pessimism sounds a little too much like Pollyanna playing the glad game, you are right. The simple fact is…it works.