Monkey Bars and Other Life Obstacles

I’ll never forget one of my first Boy Scout camping trips. It was kind a mini jamboree with several troops camping in proximity to one another. There were lots of kids, tents, campfires and fun stuff to do.

One of the activities they scheduled for us was an obstacle course which wound its way through a playground and made use of the equipment. We walked on see saws, climbed up slippery slides, jogged through tires and traversed the monkey bars.

For most kids, monkey bars are fun but as a chubby kid, I was never good at them and these were especially bad because for extra motivation, the ground beneath them had been soaked into mud. Boys will be boys.

Standing in line waiting for my monkey bar humiliation, I mentally grasped at ways of getting out of it. Could I fane a stomach ache? No, that would get me sent home. Could I swing out far enough to avoid being covered with mud for two days? No, the puddle was formidable in size. There were only two choices ahead. I could demonstrate unsportsmanlike like behavior and whine my way out of the monkey bars or I could give it a go and, baring a miracle, fall to the mud in disgrace. I chose to face my doom.

As I climbed the ladder toward the cross section, inspiration flooded my soul and I came up with the answer. They said I had to get across this obstacle, but they did not say how. Instead of hanging and swinging from arm to arm, I opted to climb up and walk across the top, thus saving my nicely ironed uniform from muddy degradation.

Of course I was teased and heckled. But the ruling fell in my favor and a couple of fat kids in line behind me followed suit. I learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life. As long as we fail to confront obstacles, they loom large and daunting. Once confronted, we are able to see our way to a resolution.

Over the years, I’ve seen the same obstacles come back at different times, under unexpected circumstances and in different forms. It is as if the obstacles in my life were uniquely designed for me to confront and conquer. Life is kind of a giant custom designed obstacle course in which we confront challenges and learn, to conquer them. We can choose to either see life and its obstacles as either a big game or as a tedious exercise. And it is that decision that factors into whether we spend our lives laughing or crying.

It does not really matter how we choose to confront those obstacles as long as we face them. I could have gone home from that camping trip, lifted weights, gone on a diet and practiced until I could cross those monkey bars in the traditional way. Instead, I used innovation and faced taunting for bucking the system and being labeled as rebellious or different. (A life lesson of its own.) Neither strategy is necessarily more right than the other. If I had understood the importance of life balance back then, I probably would have done both. It would have helped me later in other ways that I could not see at the time like when my gym teacher insisted we do chin-ups or climb a rope to the rafters of the gym.

Obstacles by nature come back again and again like hurdles on a track. To mangle a quote from W.C. Fields, the only fish that get to float downstream are the dead ones. It takes a live one to swim.

So how do you see obstacles? Do you whine about the thorn in your side or see them as an opportunity to learn something new and try something else? If you stumble or fall, will you get up and try again or will you limp off to the sidelines and whine about how long or hard the game is? The next time you are confronted by an obstacle, try greeting it like an old and familiar opponent in a game that has been designed especially for you.

Joseph Onesta is a speaker, trainer and consultant working with organizations to cultivate an "employer of choice" work environment. Visit his website at http://www.integrityhpi.com to learn more about Joseph and his work.

A Little Quiet Time to Feed Your Soul

(I found this picture on the Internet of someone else having quiet time. I couldn't find a link to ask permission so, if the photo is your's and you don't want it here, contact me and I'll be happy to remove it.)

Sometimes life just seems to fly by as if the world were picking up speed and about to spin off its axis. Days, weeks, even months and years seem to disappear and we wonder how time passed so quickly with so little memory to show for it.

For years now we have been hearing self-help gurus and spiritual teachers tell us that we need to get present, experience the moment as it happens and break the cycle of dragging our past into our speculation of the future without taking much notice of the present moment. Though repackaged from time to time, the message is a very old one dating back at least to biblical times—even Jesus of Nazareth recommended it. It always gets our attention. It always seems revolutionary. It always promises to change our lives, yet, so few of us ever really get it.

When I was in college, I was involved in a campus group of Christians who taught me a very useful and very powerful technique for experiencing the present moment. It is called Quiet Time. While my own practice of Quiet Time has a Christian focus, the technique can be suitably applied to any faith and will even work in the absence of one.

Quiet Time is, in its simplest form, just that—a time to be quiet. The practice is done every day and can also be used whenever life seems to be getting loud and noisy with commitments, obligations, requirements, stresses, worries or what-have-you. Consider the recommended 15 to 30 minutes dedicated to Quiet Time, a top priority in your day.

During Quiet Time you clear your mind of everything that demands your immediate attention. Morning may well be the best time for many of us because the day and its worries have not yet taken hold. During Quiet Time, do not allow the impending day to encroach on your moment. Be focused on not letting your mind race with tasks or project of the day.

You do not have to be still during Quiet Time. You can walk your dog, jog or sip coffee on the deck. Just keep your mind free of reliving past events or rehearsing future ones. When those thoughts arise, just push them back as if to say, “It is not time for you yet.”

Eckhart Toll in his work, “The Power of Now” shared an amazing technique that will help you recognize what clearing your mind actually feels like. Stop, ask yourself the question, “What will my next thought be?” The flash of a second between finishing the question and knowing the answer is what a clear mind experiencing the present moment feels like.

Maintaining a clear state of mind for much longer than a split second is nearly impossible for most of us. If your mind cannot be clear, it is better to fill it with something that takes you out of the complications of daily life.

Music is alright if you are in control of it. Do not use a radio or television because of the talk and interruptions. Such things will only distract you. Some people read sacred or devotional texts during this time. (Christians often read the Bible.) Others might pray or do some meditative activity such as yoga or even doing the dishes which takes no real thought or concentration.

When you are as clear as you are going to get at the moment, look at your life from an objective point of view. This might mean trying to see yourself as a character in a book or play. Imagine you are watching yourself. When you do this, you are able to rise above the clouds in your life. You get a very different perspective from practicing this technique. You see the context of your life. Best of all, if you can actually just imagine watching yourself doing whatever you are doing at the moment, you will be utterly present in that moment.

Now try to reconnect with the things that give your life meaning and purpose. These are the things that fill you with contentment when you think about them.

I have a mission statement for my life and while it has changed and developed over the years, reconnecting with that mission and considering my experiences in terms of it has helped me focus my efforts, understand my life and adjust my reactions and behaviors. What is it that gives you a sense of purpose?

As you end your time, decide on an affirmative action you can take that day to reaffirm your mission or purpose and accomplish it that day.

Quiet Time is like an anchor for your soul in the sea of your life. Daily practice will keep life and its confusion in perspective and will keep stress at bay. You will stay on track and your days will no longer sink in a bog of events and obligations. You will begin to experience your life as it happens rather than attempting to relive it through memories.

Joseph Onesta is a Speaker, Trainer and Consultant. His company, IntegrityHPI ~ Human Performance Improvement, is dedicated to making our experience of work better for both companies and individuals. To learn more about his work or to invite him to speak at your event, please visit, www.integrityhpi.com

Paper Cuts, Hangnails & Cracker Crumbs in Bed

You've heard the old adage, "A stitch in time saves nine." The traditional interpretation is that if you do something right the first time, you will not have to do it again. It can also mean if something needs doing, the longer you wait to do it, the harder it becomes to do.

It may surprise you to know that when it comes to balancing our lives, little things can make a big difference. We are talking about really tiny things that are easy to do but get set aside for later--things like making the bed, doing the dishes, picking up the dry-cleaning or washing the car.

They nag at us like a paper cut, hangnail or cracker crumbs in bed; persistent until they simply cannot be ignored. No matter how logically inconsequential these little things may be, they are emotionally significant. They drain us when we think about them. We argue over them. Try to and get the kids to do them. And sometimes pay exorbitant prices to have someone else do them.

Sure, in some cases, we are talking about pure laziness. We can recriminate ourselves and make ourselves even more unhappy or we can face up to the fact that in balancing our lives, we have to juggle a lot of things and once in a while, some things just do not get done. The fact that the same things end up at the bottom of the list often enough to become recognizable indicates that we actually do something about them.

Identify them. Everyone can identify what those little things are. When I ask, they usually mention one or two. What are yours? Once you identify them and label them as something you would like to see change in your life, their priority on the to-do list changes. No longer are we just looking that thing that needs to be done but we are looking to do something about that thing. We are altering a condition, not doing a chore. Because the task is different, the priority is different.

In my life, one of the small irritating things that seemed to get out of hand was the dishes. If I am not careful, they still have the potential to pile up. No matter how much I complained, stomped my feet or pleaded for family cooperation, dirty glasses, cups, dishes and cutlery ended up in the sink. Sometimes I would be so busy that they would pile up for days and there would not be a clean cup or glass in the house.

Accept responsibility. Whatever it is, you are the one that is bothered by it, so the problem is yours. It is no good blaming other people. Byron Katie said, "Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience.” Never has there been a truer statement. We realize that we may not be able to do much about the situation but we are completely capable of controlling the way we experience it as long as we accept responsibility for that experience.

No one else in my family seems upset by the dirty dishes. Not, at least, until they are hunting for a clean glass. In our home, the household chores are pretty fairly divvied up. The dishes are in my patch, so short of restructuring the whole household; the solution has to be mine.

Find compromise in resolution. The reason these conditions are so frustrating is because they are not the way you want them to be. They may never be exactly the way you want them to be. Maybe the ideal is not possible and finding a livable compromise is the key to balance. If it cannot be perfect, it can be acceptable. What does acceptable look like?

In the ideal world, everyone in my family would wash, dry and put away every dish, glass or bit of cutlery they ever used. Short of perfection, what can I live with? I have to accept the fact that there will probably never be a day without dirty dishes in the sink.

Establish a new habit. Good habits are wonderful things. Habits have a magical way of becoming almost effortless. It takes a little discipline and, according to experts, three weeks to establish a new habit. Design a habit that will remedy the situation to the level of acceptability and just do it.

When I determined to do something about my frustration over the dishes, I decided that I would not go to bed with dishes in the sink. Waking up to that mess would just set my whole day off kilter. At the end of the day, I may be tired but rarely am I too tired to fill and run the dishwasher and wipe down the sink and countertops. Throughout the day, I move things to the dishwasher if I see them and have time. Tolerating dishes in the sink until the end of the day was my compromise. Since I am the first up, while the coffee is brewing, I unload the dishwasher and prepare for the day. My frustration over dirty dishes is virtually gone.

A sink of dirty dishes may seem like a small or even silly thing to be upset about. By identifying, compromising and making the effort to change ourselves in small ways, we can eliminate the little things that pile up and become obstacles to a balanced life. Those little things that really seem to get under our skin are life’s opportunity to learn how to manage when we are confronted by much bigger obstacles.

Joseph Onesta is a speaker, trainer and consultant with Integrity HPI.