Tip: Change Your Perspective

There is an old, wooden roller coaster in Kennywood park just outside of Pittsburgh that is famous with coaster aficionados from around the world. Rather than beginning the ride with a climb up a clickity, clackity slope, the Thunderbolt plummets 95 feet into a natural gorge. If you don’t know what to expect, you never catch your breath for the entire ride. After the first shock, the brief respite during the next climb is completely undermined by anticipation of the next drop. I feel almost certain that whoever coined the phrase emotional roller coaster had the Thunderbolt in mind.

The element of surprise feeds a good deal of power into our emotional response to any event. Once in motion, we are like the riders of the Thunderbolt who find it difficult to compose themselves. Our bodies automatically begin to produce and react to natural chemicals that make clear thinking difficult. Time and emotional distance are required before we can benefit from hindsight and realize that it wasn’t as bad as it had seemed.

Early in my career, I lived with a young family in New York. One warm summer evening, as we were taking a walk, the family’s little girl, Iris, was suddenly taken by a fit of frantic hysterics. Through gut-wrenching sobs she explained that she had lost her ring.

When Iris realized that the ring was gone, she was on the emotional version of the Thunderbolt. All of the natural reactions to stress, fear, loss, and grief came into play. It took considerable intervention to get her off that ride. It took her father picking her up and holding her tight. Her mother caressed her head and murmured comforting words. There were promises of a new ring, candy and ice-cream treats, and trips to the park.

To the adults, the value of that ring was negligible. On a practical level, it was a worthless piece of plastic that had come out of a gumball machine earlier in the day. To Iris, on the other hand, it meant so much more. Imagine the anticipation she must have felt when she turned the knob on the gumball machine and the excitement when that treasure of great beauty fell into her palm. Imagine too, how putting it on had made her feel beautiful and special.

Iris was only four years old. She couldn’t possibly have distanced herself enough to realize that the ring was just a piece of plastic, one of hundreds in that machine that would still be there the next day. She’d never be able to comprehend that the loss of that her ring was really insignificant compared to some of the others that she would experience later in life. Now that she is a grown woman with children of her own, I doubt that she even remembers the fateful day when that terrible tragedy struck.

Oh that we could learn this one lesson in life! This story isn’t just a cute tale of a sweet little girl in a pinafore dress with ribbons in her hair. It illustrates an essential truth. Nothing is as bad as it seems. Real tragedies happen on a daily basis but people survive them, sometimes miraculously unscathed. We marvel at the stories of survival and success after life shattering events like hurricanes, earthquakes and tornados. How much more are we likely to survive a missed deadline at work, an argument with a family member or a scratch on our new car?

It all comes down to perspective. For adults; perspective is a matter of choice. Upsetting events are an unavoidable part of life. Yet, we are often as easily traumatized as a four year old girl at the loss of a gumball machine ring.

Our reactions under those circumstances can be devastating. People have quit jobs, ended friendships, torn up contracts, separated from spouses and even committed acts of violence out of later regretted fits of emotion. The consequences of these actions are usually far more reaching than those of the event itself. Most of the injuries suffered in an earthquake aren’t from things falling on people but result from panic as people try to run away from perceived danger.

However, when we recognize the emotion as simply a reaction to an event or a circumstance, we immediately put some distance between our reaction and the event itself. That distance, whether expressed in time or space, allows us to more easily benefit from the perspective of hindsight.

Thomas Jefferson said, “When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to on hundred.” The principal works whether you are experiencing anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment or grief. If we distance ourselves from the moment and our immediate reaction, we might realize that things are not as bad as they seem and we might be able to react in a more appropriate manner.

But how? Here are some suggestions:

Count to ten. Take Jefferson’s advice to heart. When you count to ten, you do two things at once. You give yourself a moment before you react and you focus your attention on something trivial and inconsequential. In context, your situation may also seem less portentous.

Remind yourself that everything is going to be all right. These are the words we use to comfort others, why not comfort ourselves with them. Things may not be the same but they will be all right.

Don’t allow yourself to relive the event in your mind. Ruminating over an event only feeds and develops the emotion of it and reacting out of emotion is the real danger.

Go to the restroom. You may not be able to ignore an event but most of the time an immediate reaction isn’t necessary. Just walking into another room may be enough to trigger a change of perspective.

Distract yourself for a little while. If you need more than a few moments to compose yourself and get things into perspective, pick up a book or magazine. Play a game on the computer. Brush your teeth. Take out the trash. Clean your office. Pray or meditate. Go to the gym. Take a walk in the park. The situation may still be there later but you’ll be in a better mind to deal with it.

Remember the positive side. There are pros and cons to everything in life. When we are feeling down about something, we are focused on the cons. Try making a list of the pros. When you hate your job, think of the reasons why you like it. When you are angry with someone, remind yourself of his or her good qualities. When feeling grief, remember good times.

Look for the humor in the situation. The career of many comics depends on pointing out how silly we are when we take ourselves and the lives we live too seriously.

The amazing thing about the Thunderbolt is that once you know what to expect, it is a very exciting ride. People come from all over the world to experience it. We know that life is full of ups and downs. Aren’t we better off if we simply enjoy the ride?