The first Christmas I spent away from my family, I felt absolutely lost. I was living in Los Angeles. Everyone I knew was going somewhere else and I was staying home…alone. I had not bothered with decorations and I certainly did not intend to cook a holiday dinner for one.
I considered spending Christmas day at the movies like many Los Angelinos, but opted for a long walk to indulge in a little self pity. It was a beautiful, sunny warm day. Along my walk, I found a man trimming a hedge in his yard. The cuttings sort of looked like pine boughs and when I asked for a few of them, he looked at me like I had escaped without taking my meds. He let me have all I wanted.
On the way home, I spotted a neighbor’s poinsettia. They grow to the size of trees in Los Angeles. Hers needed a trim in my opinion so I stole a few of the red clusters. At home, I arranged these items on the table, added a few candles and sang carols while the microwave hummed along, heating my frozen dinner. I spent the rest of the day watching TV.
No matter what holiday we celebrate, we know what those days of celebration are supposed to be like. Our homes are to be warm, cozy and decorated. The meals should be both generous and delicious and the conversation around the table is to be pleasant and filled with best wishes and good intentions. The gifts are perfectly chosen, beautifully wrapped and always wonderfully appreciated.
Many of us work very hard to live up to that media-driven, Martha Stewart image of the holidays. I doubt that any of us has ever experienced one, at least not since we were children and did not have to do any of the work. All of that shopping, decorating, card writing, food preparation and gift wrapping can be a real drain. By the time the actual day arrives, many of us feel like an inflatable front-yard Santa during a power outage.
What we really want when we think of a Martha Stewart Christmas is the feeling we associate with those images and most of the people I know never really come close, no matter how hard they try. Every year they work harder and harder, more decorations, more gifts, bigger lists, more cards, fancier tables and more abundant meals. Still something is always missing and invariably, something does not go according to plan.
Someone doesn’t show up. A plate breaks. The biscuits burn. One of the kids gets a nose bleed all over the tablecloth. Someone gets too drunk. Half the table cranes their necks to watch television during dinner. The kids fight over toys. Somebody spills the gravy. Aunt Millie lets you know the turkey is a little dry and proceeds to tell you in great detail, how she prepares it. And while comforting yourself with a sugar fix by sneaking a cookie, you sprinkle powdered sugar down the front of your red sweater.
This is reality. Peace on earth is a nice sentiment but, during the holidays, I settle for piece of pie. Ever since that lonely day many years ago in LA, I have known that the feelings that we associate with a Martha Stewart Christmas cannot be found in the perfect tree, a flawless table setting or a delicious meal. If the love, peace and joy aren’t inside us, all of our time, effort and money will not magically produce them on Christmas Day.
So, while you are doing all of the things you need to do in preparation for the holidays, please remember to stop every now and again to think of the people for whom you are doing them. Think of why they are in your life and why you hope that they have a wonderful holiday. If that is not your hope for them, you would be better off spending your holiday at the movies.
With the exception of little children, the only person’s holiday for which you are entirely responsible is your own. You can not force others to be happy, satisfied or grateful.
Don’t kill yourself striving for something that may not exist even at Martha Stewart’s house. So smile. Enjoy the chaos. Laugh out loud when something goes wrong. Savor every moment you have with those you love, no matter how flawed they may be. Take a picture of Aunt Millie scowling at your turkey and use it for next years Christmas card. And for heaven’s sake, you do not have to sneak the cookie, just eat it with gusto. It’s Christmas.
Tips for a Better Holiday Experience
You can’t force people to be happy, satisfied or even grateful. So don’t try to make them happy. If they insist on being miserable, let them.
For kids, the whole package counts. Bring them in on everything. Even fairly young kids can help wrap gifts, clean and decorate the house and their rooms, bake cookies, write and mail cards. Who cares if they ruin a surprise for someone because they couldn’t wait to tell?
Make a budget. Figure out how much you have to spend and don’t go over budget. Track your expenses along the way and if you have to cut corners, cut them.
Shop with a list. The holiday season is fueled by impulse buying. Making a list will help you stay financially on track. Your Gift list should include the people you wish to buy gifts for and how much you wish to spend on each of them.
Avoid using your credit cards. It is well documented that consumers spend more when they pay with plastic than they do with cash. Many people are still trying to pay off last year’s holiday credit card bills. Don’t be a dope. Your holiday festivities should not be overshadowed by a cloud of looming debt.
Obligatory gifts should be token gifts. Do not spend a lot of time or money on gifts for your children’s teachers, the mail carrier or your office mates. It is perfectly acceptable to buy them all the same thing or nothing at all. If your budget is tight, get creative. Bake cookies. Fill-dollar store mugs with candy or samples of gourmet coffee or tea. Your gift should not make them feel the need to reciprocate.
Shop for food once. Think about the meals you plan to prepare, make a list and check it twice. Think of how you might creatively use leftovers for subsequent events or meals.
Avoid gift cards, especially if you are on a budget. Gift cards may be an easy choice but they often lead people to spend more because the amount spent on the gift is obvious.
Before buying decorations, get creative with last years stuff. Wait for the after holiday sales to buy new stuff for next year. If you are buying new stuff this year, make sure you set strict spending limits. Consider getting creative. Get the kids to make some decorations. They can string popcorn. Make construction paper chains.
Do a toy clean out. Think of all of the toys your children no longer play with. Clean them off, pack them up and take them to a thrift store. Ask the kids to choose several toys they would like to give to other children. They can’t choose broken toys or toys with missing pieces. (Throw those away!) You’ll have a lot less clutter to deal with in the next few months and your children will learn the value of giving.
Go ahead and eat! Get real! You are going to gain a little weight. Why spend the holidays feeling guilty for eating the cookies, candy and treats? Dieting makes you hungry. You may well eat less by telling yourself that you can have it if you want it.
Joseph Onesta is a speaker, trainer and consultant dedicated to making work better for people and for companies. To learn more about his services or to invite him to speak at your organization, visit his company website at www.integrityhpi.com.
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